Blame It On The Hipsters

Have you ever had a ground breaking thought, like man, this is a real game changer, then realized your were listening to shitty pop music? And you were not only listening to it, you were singing along and shimmying your shoulders? Then you realized that your game changer thought had vanished because all you could think about was

“So c-come on
You got it wrong
To prove I'm right I put it in a song”

I feel like this is the end of the world, and I think it's pop music's fault. I mean, we are having zombie attacks, people disembodied, mass murders galore, and people have, not a want, but a need for 15 minutes of fame. Does this mean we can blame the impending zombie Apocalypse on Simon Cowell? Let's get real here, he is the master mind behind several pop bands. Plus with the reality shows he has been a part of, he just encourages mindless- dare I say it- Zombie-ism?

I guess my concern is that I may fall victim to it. Sure, I like good music. I love bands like The Heavy, Charles Bradley, Led Zeppelin and Weezer, but I think that I am ready to admit that “I'm Sexy and I Know It” makes me want to shake my hips! Why continue to deny myself the joy of dancing? Why can't The Beatles, Awolnation and One Direction live happily together in my I-pod?

Whoa! Wait! Am I jumping to conclusions just to try and justify people liking shitty music? That I like crappy music? OMG! I like crappy music!?! WTF!?!!? I like good music, great music! But, it's time for me to stop fighting. Why now? Why do I suddenly, after decades of fighting pop music, have I chosen to let my guard down, to admit defeat?

I blame hipsters.

I don't want to be like them, so I accept mass. I don't want to start a trend, I'm through with that part of my life. Maybe I am evolving, like my mouth and the fact that it only had 3 wisdom teeth. Or maybe I just despise hipsters that much! 

Screw it! I like Kelly Clarkson! There is nothing wrong with angry white girl music damn it!

It's all in the eye(brows)

Do you ever see see someone's eyebrows and just stop? Like you are crossing the street and in the middle of the intersection and someone passes by you and you actually have to stop, turn around and stare after them, and then you are suddenly snapped back to reality because traffic wants to get going? You actually think to yourself that the world would be a better place if you could just lick your thumb and wipe them off. I do. All the time. ALL the time!

For example last week I saw this woman who looked normal enough, blond hair in a nice updo, a posh outfit, picture perfect carrying a few paper bags as she most likely just completed a fashionista trip to Yorkville, then BLAMY! The eyebrows! It was like someone had flattened two caterpillars, dyed them black and glue gunned them to this poor woman's forehead. I wondered at first if maybe it was just some a-hole hipster thing, but no. I don't think it was that as there weren't any other hipster signs about her. Why has no one who loves her or cares for her told her that these things on her face are hideous!

I remember when I was in high school I used to wear the worst clothes ever, and I do mean the worst! I loved to wear things that changed patterns as I moved. I had a pair of white foam platforms that had a moving rainbow pattern as the band that went across the top of my foot. I paired it with a pink silkish mid-shin length skirt that had a mesh layer over top, I called it my fru-fru skirt if that helps you envision it a little better. Why didn't my friends pull me aside and tell me how awful I looked? That what I was wearing was just wrong. I guess that's love. Pure and simple. My friends loved me, and accepted me. They didn't care what I looked like, they loved me for who I was, not for what I wore! Perhaps that's why this woman's friends let her walk around with caterbrows. No. Let's get real. Her friends are assholes. Either that or she has no friends and has brought those caterbrows on herself. And the rest of the world. Specifically me. What a bitch!

Movie Moments

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you stop and think to yourself “that seemed like a total movie moment!” Usually it's the perfect kiss, a comedy of errors, a gunman... You know, things that only happen in the movies. Recently I have had several movie moments, but it's sort of like the same movie moment over and over and over again.
What is that movie moment you ask? Well let me tell you! Have you ever watched Office Space? If you haven't then stop everything and go watch it! It's pretty friggin' awesome. If you have, then do you remember the part in the movie where Milton says “and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much.” This has become my life. I just realized that I enjoy watching the squirrels way to much! I talk about them all the time. For instance, have you noticed that they are super cute right now because they are all so fat? They look so happy! Even the one with only half a tail.
They seem a little less crazy right now too. They aren't running in front of the cars as much, they aren't letting the dogs chase them all the time, they all just seem fat and content. They know their purpose in life, and they have almost completed the cycle. It's like the end of the school year for them, they will be all tucked away and enjoying a winters sleep without a care in the world.
A few days ago, I hand fed one! He just came right up to me and sniffed through my grocery bags, so I opened a box of crackers and fed it to him. He just chilled and ate it while I unloaded my car. What is with that?? Why are they so content right now? Do they know something we don't? Could it be that while I curse out Firefox for getting rid of the side bar for favourite sites, they are plotting our demise? Or could it be that while I can't figure out who sings that song on the radio and no DJ ever wants to tell me the name of the song, the squirrels have figured out world piece and are applying it to the squirrel kingdom? Or maybe it could be that while I wait for the TTC, they are simply living life.
I think am actually jealous of the squirrels right now. Yikes! Perhaps I should start applying “squirrel philosophy” to my life. Screw traffic, It will do my bidding! I will have a killer diet to be bathing suit friendly by the end of winter, it's called sleep for 6 months. I will fascinate tourists, and fill their photo albums with my pictures. I will go wherever the fuck I want, and apologize to no one! Ya know the more I think about it, The more I think Squirrels have the right idea... Wow, I need a vacation!

The Monster

If you ask someone who they may want to meet the answers may vary. Some may say the Dali Lama, some may say Picasso, some may even say the twilight trio. Me?? It's none of the above. The person I wanna meet most, is The Monster That Lives In My Tupperware Cupboard. Not to be confused with The Monster Who Steals Socks (or in my case seems to chew little holes in them...)
You may wonder why I want to meet him so badly. The reason is simple; I just want to know why? Why just the Tupperware lids? What is it about them that is so much better than the bottoms? I am for sure intrigued by his choices. I would like to discuss them with him, maybe something happened to him as a child, and this is how he deals with it. Maybe I offended him at some point, so in order to retaliate he eats my lids. Maybe he has a little monster baby that has been kidnapped, and the ransom is Tupperware lids (that would explain why everyone I know has the same problem as me). Maybe he just likes the colours, who knows?? All I am sure of is that he visits at least once a week, and he seems to like the colours blue and red, because those are the lids that go first.
You may wonder why I assume The Monster That Lives In My Tupperware Cupboard is a man and not a woman, so lets get real here for a second. A woman would never steal another woman's Tupperware lid, that's just mean. If the monster were female, the lids would reappear just after you bought and opened some new Tupperware. Well, that's what I would do if I were being a bitchy monster, I assume all woman think that way...
Now you may classify this as a first world problem, and I wouldn't disagree. In fact I realize I am very fortunate that this is even a problem, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Or that I can't have a need to meet The Monster. What's his nationality? Was he born here or did he move here? If so, how long ago? Does he have an accent, and if he does, what kind? Is he racist? Does he like the Toronto Maple Leafs? I feel like if I work hard enough maybe we can even be friends. Maybe I can even help him deal with his Tupperware addiction, if it is an addiction. Because of me, suffering all over the world could end! Well that is if there is only one Monster, otherwise we are all screwed!
Once I'm besties with The Monster That Lives In The Tupperware cupboard, I plan on politely asking him if I can talk to his cousin- The Thing In My Bag That Knots Up My Head Phones. How does he manage to tangle them so quickly?? That guy is a real dick.

The Offering

Do you know what sucks? When you offer your seat to a pregnant woman or an elderly person, or someone in a cast, and they say no thanks. The sucky part isn't that they say no, it's that everyone who is standing around you who didn't hear you offer the seat- is judging you. Today was case in point. I offered my seat (I was the last person in the row of the first half of the streetcar) to a woman holding a baby, but she said no she needed to bounce the baby to keep her quiet, I oooh'd and aaaaah'd over the baby, then went back to my game of solitaire. Could I enjoy my game of solitaire you ask? No! Why? Because every person who didn't have a seat was standing there judging me! Those d-bags assumed she wanted a seat, and I didn't offer her one. There was this one woman who made a point of offering her a seat when the one in front of me was empty (FYI the guy who was sitting there also offered the woman with a baby his seat) she said, and I quote “Ma'am, would you like to actually sit?” Fuck you! I offered and she declined, don't judge me! And, I am not sitting in the first 5 seats. She passed 7 rows before she got to me! Judge them, not me! And how do you know I don't have something wrong with me the requires me to sit? I don't, but you don't know that you judgy prick!
Now, you may say Carolyn, calm down, don't let them bother you, you know what you did, so who cares what they think? Well I don't want to calm down! Maybe if we could is some way point out the people who don't want seats, like make them wear a sign or something, that would be good.
The other fine line that I have had issues with the streetcar and the seat offering is how do you tell if they are elderly? Men aren't so difficult to spot, but women can be a little bit trickier. Sometimes you think should I offer them my seat? She looks like she is late 60's, but maybe not? I've seen some rough looking forty year old's! For men it's easy, they can just pretend they are chivalrous. But what is the solution for women? And what about pregnant woman? Sometimes you just can't tell! I think we need to make them wear signs as well. Let's eliminate all of the guess work, and that way we can judge those who should be judged. And you know who I am talking about, those jerks who sit in the 4 seats at the front, you know the seats that have the little signs above them saying who they are reserved for. Let's all judge them together!

Fun With Words

Do you have those words that you just love to say? There are sometimes are no explanations for the love, it just happens. I have lots of those words in my life, splendid- it just sounds like it means! Magnificent- with the emphasis on Mag, it's exciting to say!

How about words that sound dirty but aren't? Magma, that's one. Coccyx, that one still makes me giggle when my trainer says it, I know I'm like an eleven year old girl, deal with it. Here's one that's great; uvula! It's the hangyball in the back of your throat, see this is fun and informative! Side note, have you ever seen a uvula pierced? Ew slash ow! How do you even get that pierced without gagging? If you suggested magic, I wouldn't disagree.

Something else I love are ingredients that sound weird. Bulgar- sounds vulgar! Ahhhhh... you were thinking it too! Ghee- whenever I read this word I hear it in my head as if a Mini Me said it. Another one that I love isn't an ingredient but a type of food, baba ganoush. If you ever watched the tv show MXC, you know someone was called that every episode, and it was awesome! My sister and I cheered every time it happened. Sometimes that was the best part of the show.

Right now you may be asking yourself what's Carolyn's favourite word? Well, I will take the suspense away, as I know it must killing you. I would have to say my favourite word just might be... Fork! Say it to yourself, fork. Say it kinda slow. It's like two syllables, but it isn't! Say it again. Fork. Say it five times really fast, fork fork fork fork fork! Great word, right?

The Importance of a Good Handshake

I am a slightly socially awkward person, I admit it. In fact I recently realized I go out of my way to avoid certain situations. If the streetcar looks full, I'll wait for the next one, I want that single seat! If I'm shopping and I see someone from high school, I go down the next aisle, and even consider abandoning my cart to avoid them. Whenever possible I try to get a desk between myself and reps from work so I don't have to hug them. (Don't even get me started on the whole hugging situation!)

The other day I had an important person from one of the companies I work with come into my store to check out their section. They were French, and their company is very prestigious, and I had no desk between me and them. I tried very hard to gauge the situation. I started to go for the handshake, and then decided she was the type to go for a hug. I got ready for a hug, and I went in for it, but she surprised me with the side cheek kiss. I almost recovered without to much of a blunder, and as I pulled away, she went in for the second cheek kiss! I had like 4 feet between us when I realized she was going for that second kiss, so, I had to rush/lean forward and I smushed my cheek against hers, but the damage was done. We were both very aware that I had messed up.

Here's what bothers me about this situation. WTF?!?!? Why can't we handshake??? I want a firm handshake. A handshake can reveal so much about a person! If your hand goes limp, guarantee I am not going to like you! If you shake my hand and then clasp your free hand over mine, odds are you are gonna creep me out, as you feel the need to show your dominance over me, or the exact opposite, I think you are incredible good looking, and I won't let go of your hand, so it is necessary for you to put your free hand on top of mine to pry mine off! If you have a nice firm handshake, I'm probably gonna try and make my handshake slightly more aggressive, but I will like you!

What the flip can you learn about a person from side cheek kisses? Jack all that's what!! What are you hiding for?? Why are you hiding behind an archaic feminine greeting? What is it you don't want me to know??? Congratulations, just by saying hello the wrong way, means I am now suspicious, on edge, and uncomfortable, as I clearly have issues with this form of greeting!

Bottom line is, I am a strong fierce independent woman who doesn't need to side cheek kiss hello. Give me a good firm handshake any day of the week! Fuck the side cheek kiss! It's 2011! Bring it!

sex in Hotels- the 5th one

sex in Hotels

There is no mistaking that familiar sound. It may be in a movie, on TV, your parent's bedroom (although, not mine- my sisters and I came from the stork. End of story!) The moans and groans coming from somewhere other then your bedroom, or car, or public restroom of choice, are unmistakable, and depending on whom you are with, a lot of fun!

Every time I stay in a hotel I am reminded of that Michael J Fox movie (I think Doc Hollywood) where he had those neighbors that did it all the time. Fortunately, I don't think I have ever had that problem, until 2 weekends ago. I spent that weekend in a hotel in ....Vancouver.... with my parents. We were there to watch my sister race in a triathlon. Well, the second night we were there, it was Saturday night/Sunday morning at 3am, when I woke to those familiar noises. Since I was not to sure if I was dreaming or not, I woke myself up fully, and I was right, our hotel neighbors were having headboard banging sex.

Normally, if I were with my sisters, or friends, I would have woken everyone up so we could all have a giggle. But I was with my parents… My Mormon parents in the bed next to me. Awkward!!!!!! When the noises finally stopped I let out a silent sigh of relief, unfortunately for me, (fortunate for them) it started right back up again. What I thought was the finale, was only a brief position change…one of many. –Side note, way to go!!!!- I resorted to turning my I-pod on full, settling into IllScarlett, and chortled myself to sleep. Yes, I said chortled. It is way more fun than plain old laughing!

The whole point to this is that when you think about it, I mean really think about it, we don't know much about the hotel rooms that we stay in. Your neighbors having sex is entertaining, but if you take that thought one step further, how many people have done it in your hotel room?? How clean is your bed? Did they actually change the blankets? How the heck did that mark get on the ceiling- or in my case, dent???

We really don't know much about these rooms. I think hostels have the right idea. Bring your own bed sheet, that way you know exactly what you are getting into-literally! Although I suppose if you want to make your own hotel moans and groans, it may not work that well… It's just that when you think about it, we spend some of our most intimate, vulnerable and relaxing moments in these rooms, and yet we know nothing about them. Perhaps we aren't meant to think things like this. Perhaps we are supposed to just do without thinking. So go ahead, unthink it, if you can!!

Pretentious- my 4th blog- this was in 2008!

Pretentious

Today I am pretentious!!!

You may be asking why, well, I am pretentious for several reasons. I am sitting in a Starbucks- Drinking a specialized- made just for me- coffee (a hot chocolate with a non fat caramel shot- Shut up!!! I know it's not that pretentious, but it looks that way with its deceptively foam-like whip cream and chocolate drizzled perfectly on top!!) and I am writing. I am also on vacation while I am writing this, so I have a pretentious hat trick! I am pretentiously squared! I am the captain of the pretentious squad!!

I suppose my level of pretentiousness it taken down a notch because my hot chocolate is kinda gross, and I do write like a grade five boy; I'm left-handed, I can't help it!! (note: this was hand written while I was away last week!!- editors italicized note!! PRETENTIOUS!!!) But my over priced apple fritter counter acts the above two points.

There really is no reason for this blog. I just decided that since my backpack is resting against the table, giving the air that I do this for a living…. Sorry, cute guys just walked in. I'm pretentious, I can lose my train of thought and write that fact down!!! Oh yeah, backpack, it's facing so no one can see the Scoobie-Doo keychain or my Connect 4 game keychain. I have my cell phone out on the table as though I am expecting an important phone call….. More Cute boys!!!

Anyway, today I am pretentious! I went to the art gallery. True, the main exhibit was about the art of comics, video games, and anime, but I was still in an art gallery! I am writing in a notebook from the one of a kind craft show, pausing every so often to look to the sky for inspiration with the end of my pen in my mouth, sighing dramatically, as though I am struggle for the perfect combination of words.

In fact, I am so pretentious today (sitting in the comfy chair at Starbucks) drinking my specialized drink that I have barely noticed the earring lying on the floor. I'm too pretentious to care!! I'm sitting in a nice warm Starbucks, laughing at all the people walking by in the rain. I know I will have to walk in the rain soon, but right now I am not, and what makes that even more pretentious is that I can leave whenever I want, because I am from Toronto, and I am on vacation- (I thought anyone from Canado, who is from outside Toronto would get a kick out of that!! :o)

I can't stop thinking about that stupid earring!! A pretentious person wouldn't care!! Who cares if it was a gift, or a family heirloom? Okay, I'll make a pretentious compromise, if it is still there when I leave, I'll wrap it in a napkin, and give it to the barista. I'm pretentious, I have a barista!!

I suppose I should write some poetry or something, because as a pretentious person, I realize that's what pretentious people do. In fact I'm so pretentious, I'm going to force you to read some bad poetry..

Umbrellas crashing
Like wakes of a choppy bay
Pitter patter sounds of raindrops
Rolling off my plaid Burberry umbrella
I shake it
Once
Twice
And feel my emotions slip away with each shake

See, pretentious!! :o)

The Squirrel Incident- my third blog

The Squirrel Incident

I have often joked about how I should write a sitcom about my family. I already know I would cast Kelsey Grammer as my father. He would be so perfect. The expressions, the attitude, the hair line… The fact of the matter is, I have a quirky family. It is functionally dysfunctional. We have a golden child, churchgoers, insane animals, cars that never move, and a house that's continually under construction.

With all the mayhem that goes on in my house (did I mention that my father once fixed up one of his cars so well, that he had to drive it home in reverse, on highway???) I think my first episode would be about Squirrel. Squirrel, thankfully, wasn't around long enough to get a name. Squirrel was a part of my life for less then 24 hours, yet he is a perfect example of my house, and my family.

Squirrel and I met one Wednesday evening, when I was home alone. My parents were at church, and my sister was out for dinner with some friends. I was in the basement kitchen making a blue menu hamburger, (with my George Foreman grill) when I suddenly heard a noise. Now I assumed my sister was home, and when I heard another noise, part of me had hoped she had brought a dog home, as I heard scratch click, click, click, scratch on the floor above. I called out to her, and I went up the stairs. As I entered the main hallway, I turned to go up the next flight of stairs, and there he was, just staring at me, daring me to get him. He kinda reminded me of the squirrel in the e-mail with the really big "nuts". Not that he had big ones, (maybe he did, I can't say I noticed) he had that stance, and attitude….

I ran back down the stairs, calling everyone and anyone who would listen from my household. My parents told me to chill, and my sister didn't answer. While I was on the phone, all I could hear were things crashing to the floor, things spilling, and general thumps. I opened all the doors and windows, and after a while I didn't hear from squirrel, so we shut everything back up. (at this point the rest of my family was home.)

I think I need to add a little bit of back story right hear, as it helps to explain what happens next. I am currently sleeping in the living room, as we are having a bit of a mice problem in our house. My bedroom is in the basement, and that is where the mice are. Being a functionally dysfunctional family, we don't want to kill the mice. And since it was winter, we felt bad forcing them outside, where there was a big possibility that they wouldn't survive. So, the mice lived in the basement for the winter. One day I was doing my laundry, and I fell asleep on my duvet, which had no cover on it. I woke up, because I thought I felt something under my face, when I lifted my head, my duvet was moving…. There were fucking mice in my duvet!!! That was when I moved out of the basement, and into the living room to sleep.

Cut back to Squirrel. After the whole kafuffle, I went to bed, and fell into a deep sleep. The next morning, I thought I felt something poke at my leg. I rolled over, and there was Squirrel, taking off down the hallway!!!! Squirrel was in my bed!! I may have slept with Squirrel!!! Once again all of the windows and doors were opened in our house, and I had a very long, hot shower!!! My blankets and sheets were thrown in the wash (twice!), and after a long day, Squirrel was really gone. Our house went back to normal (well as normal as our house can be!!) and squirrel, is nowhere to be found.

That my friends, is episode 1 of the Black Family Household.

Jose- my second blog

Jose

My Car, is in my opinion the best car in the world. It has some special features, tons of action figures, and he has magical powers!!! I know, I know, most cars are she's, like Betty, Sue Ellen, Lady Jane. My Car is definitely a he, and he's gay. He is Fabulous, and self aware! He isn't afraid to stand out in a crowd, and I love him!!

Jose, that's my cars name, is a 2000 sand mecca Protégé, and he has gotten me through so many situations that I probably shouldn't have gotten out of alive!! Crazy snowstorms, torrential downpours, fog, you name it, Jose has gotten me through it alive!!

You may be wondering where his name came from, well, I'll tell you. There is this Mexican restaurant on the Danforth (I know, in the heart of Greek town, I go to a Mexican restaurant!) and there was the best waiter in the world working there. His name is Jose. He always has a smile, remembers everyone's names and drinks, and he has sass! I thought what better way to pay tribute to him then to name my car after him! Now that you have some history about my car, I'll get into what prompted this blog.

Last week, I was visiting my friend in her downtown condo, as I was leaving, I went to Jose, and as I was getting in, I noticed the Ferrari, parked two spots over. It was fire engine red, and in true car standards, beautiful. But I didn't care. My car may have a few dents, it may have a spare tire right now, and there may be a few scratches, but my car can do something that a Ferrari can't do, and that is turn invisible. Yes, I know that sounds bizarre, but ask all the other cars on the road, Jose can magically turn invisible! It's amazing!!! I'll be driving along the road, and suddenly cars are cutting my off, trying to pull into the lane right where I am, they make left hand turns, even though I am driving through the intersection, and they come right up behind me as though they believe they can drive right through my car!!

The problem with the ability that my car has is that it seems to turn it on and off, and I can't control it. The more I try to figure it out, the more I seem to stay invisible!! I have noticed that around full moons, the power seems to be stronger, and it is weather affected, like when it rains, it happens, or when it snows it definitely happens!

I believe that this power is a gift that I have to protect and take care of. You never know when I will be called into action. I kind of envision myself as a modern day Wonder Woman. Granted her invisible transportation could fly, but who's to say my car won't develop that power over time? So, until then, I am content, and privileged, to drive Jose!

The Irony of Ginkgo Biloba- this was my first blog ever written

The Irony of Ginkgo Biloba

I have heard about all the amazing things that Ginkgo Biloba can do for you. So about 2 years ago, I decided that since I was having so many issues with my memory, I should start taking it. I fantasized about remembering where my passport was, remember what that song on the radio was, and remember to do my laundry before I got down to my very last pair of underwear (you know, the underwear that everyone wears while doing their laundry) and having to wear it, holes and all, to work, and then out to dinner after….

The first time I tried to purchase these miracle pills, I forgot. The second time I tried to purchase them, I had written it on a note, and stuck the note in my uniform pocket, confident in my ability that at some point in time, I would reach into my pocket, and grab the note. (an important side note in this story, is that I am a cosmetician at Shoppers Drug Mart, I was only steps away from my dreams coming true 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.) After about two weeks of this, I opted to write it on my hand, surely even if I didn't read my hand, someone else would, they always do!!

About a month later, I was scanning a customer through, and they had it in their basket, and the light bulb went off!! I ran to the healthy living section, Queens "We Are The Champions" playing in my mind, I scanned the vitamins –cod liver oil, zinc, vitamin C, and there it was, Ginkgo Biloba!! I grabbed the second bottle in, and walked triumphantly back to my cosmetic counter, placing the bottle in the drawer, beside my water, so I could purchase it, at the end of my shift.

Three weeks later, I finally remembered to purchase it.

Now, you can imagine the excitement that went through my mind! I was but one sleep away from my dream of almost 3 months, finally surfacing!! When I woke up the next morning, I was late, no time to take the pill, no time to even think of taking the pill! Oh well, I convinced myself I would remember when I got home from work, I would take my first glorious dose of Ginkgo Biloba. Well, that day came and went, as did several others, and I still could not remember to take the stupid pills. Every time I would think about them, I would be somewhere that the pills weren't, you know, at work, in a movie, on stage.

And that's when I got to thinking. How ironic is it that you have to remember to take the Ginkgo Biloba to fix your memory, but can't remember to take to silly pills. It's now 2 years later, and do you think I can remember where I put the stupid bottle???

The Expendibles: Sept 09 2010

The Expendables

Yeah, I know I just wrote about the uber girlie chick flick Twilight, but I like to keep things different. I'm just that kinda girl! That's why I love The Expendibles. Like almost super loved it!!! It WAS everything I was hoping for and more! The horrible acting, awful line delivery, some fights, and for some reason a lot of comedy!! A-MAZ-ING!

Who knew that Jet Li was going to be my favourite??? with lines like “I'm short. I get shot, bigger hole” and “I get pay more, I'm shorter, I work harder” how can you not love him! OMG I am in love with him!!!

Oh, and Jason Statham was the strongest actor in the film?? And, even though he was wearing white pants for a big portion of the film, he was still the good looking one in the cast. Goodness knows it wasn't Stalone and his botoxed face and perma guyliner. Oh, and don't even get me started on his running!! He must have done like 4 intense running scenes, He needs to leave that to Tom Cruise. I say it out of Love Sylvester!

Another great thing about the movie was Steve Austin. I used to be a totally huge WWE fan, and it was Stone Cold who got me watching it. So it was kinda cool to see him be an actual complete dick!!! His fights were great, he speared the shite out of Stalone, but also I think has a sick sense of humour... I say this because I think I was the only one in the theatre that got a specific reference.

You may or may not remember when Austin was married he was accused of beating up his wife, and then he was accused of beating up the woman he dated after that. Well in the movie Eric Roberts Character says he isn't a bad guy, he would never hit a woman. But this guy (and he points to Austin) he's not so great (or something to that effect) and Austin nails her!! Yikes, and a few more yikes!!! It's kinda one of those weird moments, where, yeah, he plays a complete yeast infection, and that is what that person would do in real life. But on the other hand there are some real dumbasses out there that think violence against women is cool or funny, so let me say this, violence, to men or women is not cool, nor funny, and never necessary!! Imma give the movie credit here and say they did this to prove only true douchbags do that sort of thing.

My WTF for the film was Mickey Rouke, seriously, WTF!! I mean, yeah, he probably was better at acting than Jason Statham, but I stopped listening to him about 47 seconds into his monologue- I didn't want sappy, I wanted explosions!

I say the movie was everything I was hoping for, but that isn't exactly true. I was hoping for more explosions, and I was hoping for more fighting, but all in all, I do think that it was a great movie- mostly because of the comedy.

The Forgotten Knife: Sept 03 2010

The Forgotten Knife

I was sitting in a local restaurant with great company, and yet I felt sad. It wasn't the storm, I actually quite like storms, the power failures, heavy rain, thunder (I assume it's always a good game of bowling up there!) and flashes of lightening are something I really enjoy.

What's got me so upset is a knife. An abandoned knife, left alone in the cold. Let me back track a bit. When I sat down for dinner it was a bit cloudy, kinda questionable patio weather, so we sat inside, but there were people on the uncovered patio. Pretty soon it got real dark, and it started to spit rain, and not long after the thunder started. I watched everyone pack up and run inside. Everything was taken, the salt and pepper shakers, napkins, menus, everything except one napkin, and one knife.

They were left behind, left to survive one of the worse storms of the summer. They clung together with fear and hope, perhaps even a little bit of excitement at first! It didn't take long for the napkin to succumb to the conditions. It fought its hardest, and ended up sacrificing itself to save the knife, wrapped itself protectively around the knife until it dissolved away into nothingness. The knife was left alone and forgotten, fear set in, and sadness washed over it as the loss of the napkin settled in to place. Is almost seemed as though the knife no longer cared about the rain. It didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that it was a conductor for lightening. It just sad there, cold and alone, no one taking the time to rescue it.

Yes I know, I'm one of those people that hated that abandoned lamp commercial from Ikea. Those swifter commercials where the old cleaning mop, or duster got left behind (before they started making them fall in love with new things) Oh, and don't even get me started on the salt shaker commercial!! It actually made my eyes water....

I sat through the rest of my meal watching this knife. Guilt ridden that it had been abandoned. I felt such a great need to do something to save it, make the knife realize it wasn't alone, that someone did care about it. The knife deserves to sit nice and cozy in a cutlery drawer with a brand new family of knives! So when I left, I did the only thing possible to redeem my lack of actions. I stole it. The knife looks a lot happier now, but I do still feel bad about the napkin though...

superheroyness: Aug 27 2010

So, I am pretty sure I am a superhero....
I know everyone wants to be one, or at least have superhero powers, but I am pretty sure I am an actual superhero of the future! Hear me out. You know computers, right? Have you ever notice how dependant we are on them? I mean movies keep telling us they will be mankind’s downfall, and we know it won't be aliens between Segourney, Will, Mel and Tom I think we will be safe on that front!

Here's where my superheroness comes into play. I have the ability to destroy them, and I don't mean with an axe and a mean back kick, I have powers! I can just walk past a computer, and it starts acting weird, like it's got a cold. If I think about how important it will be to getting an assignment completed, it won't work properly. It'll slow down, the mouse moves the arrow to where it wants so the typing is going in the middle of another sentence, kinda like it's got the flu. And if I store something important on it that means a lot to me, it goes back to manufacturers settings! Game over!!! It's like it has Norwalk, Sars and H1N1 all rolled into one!

I don't know for sure where this power comes from, but I think I may have inherited it from my mother. She too has the abilities to destroy computers, and her powers seem to get stronger with age! What's weird is that I am the only one of my sisters to have inherited this ability. My powers seen to be stronger then my mothers when it comes to computers, but my mom can use her powers on more items like TV's, microwaves and especially vacuum cleaners.

The sad part is that just like any other superhero my power is just as much a burden as it is a strength right now. But I am sure that when computers do finally rise up, and try to take over the world I'll be there, ready with my cape and mask, to try and save the world. Now if vacuum cleaners try to take over, my mom has totally got that one covered!

Yup, I Saw It: August 25, 2010

I'm just gonna say it. I liked it, and you know what?? I'm not ashamed to admit it- I enjoyed Twilight Eclipse the movie. Now before you go all judgey, you should know the production value went way up for this movie, the acting and directing was better, and it was true to the book without getting boring! Oh, did I not mention that I have seen all three movies?? Plus I read all four books, in less than a week?? Okay, now you can judge. Are you done judging? Now? Good.

There were a few things about the movie that I was disappointed in. Like the lack of lip biting!! Not once did Bella bite her lip! I was excited to do the count! It's kinda like when you go to a Michael Bay movie and count the black helicopters, it just wasn't the same without it!

There were wig issues as well and I have to be honest, it was driving me nuts! It wasn't as bad as the makeup in the last movies, but Bella was definitely having issues, I could totally see the wig line!!! Oh, and don't get me started on the eyebrow in this movie, w capital T f?? I think Bella must have been forced to donate the missing halves of her eyebrows to Rosalie so she could have two giant caterpillars on her forehead- triple yikes!!!

I do have to admit the movie did make me laugh out loud a lot. I feel like I should maybe mention that it wasn't always appropriate, but there is humour in this film. Sparkles always bring a smile to my face, especially on vampires...

As always when the movie finished the usual debate ensued: team Edward or team Jacob. For the record I am a team Edward, Deal with it! Maybe it's an age thing, it feels far less creepy to be 30 and attracted to a 100 year old vampire, then being 30 and attracted to a 15 year old werewolf. We are not debating this issue today, alright?? Look some people like football players, some like Doctors, some like comic book geeks, and some, like sparkly vampires. That's life, move on.

All in all, I would have to say that I will go see the next movie- in the theatre! I will give it that chance! Besides, I am curious to see how the heck the bed got torn into pieces... ;-)