A cold cold day

A cold cold day

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Blame It On The Hipsters

Have you ever had a ground breaking thought, like man, this is a real game changer, then realized your were listening to shitty pop music? And you were not only listening to it, you were singing along and shimmying your shoulders? Then you realized that your game changer thought had vanished because all you could think about was
“So c-come on
You got it wrong
To prove I'm right I put it in a song”
I feel like this is the end of the world, and I think it's pop music's fault. I mean, we are having zombie attacks, people disembodied, mass murders galore, and people have, not a want, but a need for 15 minutes of fame. Does this mean we can blame the impending zombie Apocalypse on Simon Cowell? Let's get real here, he is the master mind behind several pop bands. Plus with the reality shows he has been a part of, he just encourages mindless- dare I say it- Zombie-ism?
I guess my concern is that I may fall victim to it. Sure, I like good music. I love bands like The Heavy, Charles Bradley, Led Zeppelin and Weezer, but I think that I am ready to admit that “I'm Sexy and I Know It” makes me want to shake my hips! Why continue to deny myself the joy of dancing? Why can't The Beatles, Awolnation and One Direction live happily together in my I-pod?
Whoa! Wait! Am I jumping to conclusions just to try and justify people liking shitty music? That I like crappy music? OMG! I like crappy music!?! WTF!?!!? I like good music, great music! But, it's time for me to stop fighting. Why now? Why do I suddenly, after decades of fighting pop music, have I chosen to let my guard down, to admit defeat?
I blame hipsters.
I don't want to be like them, so I accept mass. I don't want to start a trend, I'm through with that part of my life. Maybe I am evolving, like my mouth and the fact that it only had 3 wisdom teeth. Or maybe I just despise hipsters that much! 
Screw it! I like Kelly Clarkson! There is nothing wrong with angry white girl music damn it!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

It's all in the eye(brows)

Do you ever see see someone's eyebrows and just stop? Like you are crossing the street and in the middle of the intersection and someone passes by you and you actually have to stop, turn around and stare after them, and then you are suddenly snapped back to reality because traffic wants to get going? You actually think to yourself that the world would be a better place if you could just lick your thumb and wipe them off. I do. All the time. ALL the time!
For example last week I saw this woman who looked normal enough, blond hair in a nice updo, a posh outfit, picture perfect carrying a few paper bags as she most likely just completed a fashionista trip to Yorkville, then BLAMY! The eyebrows! It was like someone had flattened two caterpillars, dyed them black and glue gunned them to this poor woman's forehead. I wondered at first if maybe it was just some a-hole hipster thing, but no. I don't think it was that as there weren't any other hipster signs about her. Why has no one who loves her or cares for her told her that these things on her face are hideous!
I remember when I was in high school I used to wear the worst clothes ever, and I do mean the worst! I loved to wear things that changed patterns as I moved. I had a pair of white foam platforms that had a moving rainbow pattern as the band that went across the top of my foot. I paired it with a pink silkish mid-shin length skirt that had a mesh layer over top, I called it my fru-fru skirt if that helps you envision it a little better. Why didn't my friends pull me aside and tell me how awful I looked? That what I was wearing was just wrong. I guess that's love. Pure and simple. My friends loved me, and accepted me. They didn't care what I looked like, they loved me for who I was, not for what I wore! Perhaps that's why this woman's friends let her walk around with caterbrows. No. Let's get real. Her friends are assholes. Either that or she has no friends and has brought those caterbrows on herself. And the rest of the world. Specifically me. What a bitch!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Movie Moments

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you stop and think to yourself “that seemed like a total movie moment!” Usually it's the perfect kiss, a comedy of errors, a gunman... You know, things that only happen in the movies. Recently I have had several movie moments, but it's sort of like the same movie moment over and over and over again.
What is that movie moment you ask? Well let me tell you! Have you ever watched Office Space? If you haven't then stop everything and go watch it! It's pretty friggin' awesome. If you have, then do you remember the part in the movie where Milton says “and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much.” This has become my life. I just realized that I enjoy watching the squirrels way to much! I talk about them all the time. For instance, have you noticed that they are super cute right now because they are all so fat? They look so happy! Even the one with only half a tail.
They seem a little less crazy right now too. They aren't running in front of the cars as much, they aren't letting the dogs chase them all the time, they all just seem fat and content. They know their purpose in life, and they have almost completed the cycle. It's like the end of the school year for them, they will be all tucked away and enjoying a winters sleep without a care in the world.
A few days ago, I hand fed one! He just came right up to me and sniffed through my grocery bags, so I opened a box of crackers and fed it to him. He just chilled and ate it while I unloaded my car. What is with that?? Why are they so content right now? Do they know something we don't? Could it be that while I curse out Firefox for getting rid of the side bar for favourite sites, they are plotting our demise? Or could it be that while I can't figure out who sings that song on the radio and no DJ ever wants to tell me the name of the song, the squirrels have figured out world piece and are applying it to the squirrel kingdom? Or maybe it could be that while I wait for the TTC, they are simply living life.
I think am actually jealous of the squirrels right now. Yikes! Perhaps I should start applying “squirrel philosophy” to my life. Screw traffic, It will do my bidding! I will have a killer diet to be bathing suit friendly by the end of winter, it's called sleep for 6 months. I will fascinate tourists, and fill their photo albums with my pictures. I will go wherever the fuck I want, and apologize to no one! Ya know the more I think about it, The more I think Squirrels have the right idea... Wow, I need a vacation!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Monster

If you ask someone who they may want to meet the answers may vary. Some may say the Dali Lama, some may say Picasso, some may even say the twilight trio. Me?? It's none of the above. The person I wanna meet most, is The Monster That Lives In My Tupperware Cupboard. Not to be confused with The Monster Who Steals Socks (or in my case seems to chew little holes in them...)
You may wonder why I want to meet him so badly. The reason is simple; I just want to know why? Why just the Tupperware lids? What is it about them that is so much better than the bottoms? I am for sure intrigued by his choices. I would like to discuss them with him, maybe something happened to him as a child, and this is how he deals with it. Maybe I offended him at some point, so in order to retaliate he eats my lids. Maybe he has a little monster baby that has been kidnapped, and the ransom is Tupperware lids (that would explain why everyone I know has the same problem as me). Maybe he just likes the colours, who knows?? All I am sure of is that he visits at least once a week, and he seems to like the colours blue and red, because those are the lids that go first.
You may wonder why I assume The Monster That Lives In My Tupperware Cupboard is a man and not a woman, so lets get real here for a second. A woman would never steal another woman's Tupperware lid, that's just mean. If the monster were female, the lids would reappear just after you bought and opened some new Tupperware. Well, that's what I would do if I were being a bitchy monster, I assume all woman think that way...
Now you may classify this as a first world problem, and I wouldn't disagree. In fact I realize I am very fortunate that this is even a problem, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Or that I can't have a need to meet The Monster. What's his nationality? Was he born here or did he move here? If so, how long ago? Does he have an accent, and if he does, what kind? Is he racist? Does he like the Toronto Maple Leafs? I feel like if I work hard enough maybe we can even be friends. Maybe I can even help him deal with his Tupperware addiction, if it is an addiction. Because of me, suffering all over the world could end! Well that is if there is only one Monster, otherwise we are all screwed!
Once I'm besties with The Monster That Lives In The Tupperware cupboard, I plan on politely asking him if I can talk to his cousin- The Thing In My Bag That Knots Up My Head Phones. How does he manage to tangle them so quickly?? That guy is a real dick.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Offering

Do you know what sucks? When you offer your seat to a pregnant woman or an elderly person, or someone in a cast, and they say no thanks. The sucky part isn't that they say no, it's that everyone who is standing around you who didn't hear you offer the seat- is judging you. Today was case in point. I offered my seat (I was the last person in the row of the first half of the streetcar) to a woman holding a baby, but she said no she needed to bounce the baby to keep her quiet, I oooh'd and aaaaah'd over the baby, then went back to my game of solitaire. Could I enjoy my game of solitaire you ask? No! Why? Because every person who didn't have a seat was standing there judging me! Those d-bags assumed she wanted a seat, and I didn't offer her one. There was this one woman who made a point of offering her a seat when the one in front of me was empty (FYI the guy who was sitting there also offered the woman with a baby his seat) she said, and I quote “Ma'am, would you like to actually sit?” Fuck you! I offered and she declined, don't judge me! And, I am not sitting in the first 5 seats. She passed 7 rows before she got to me! Judge them, not me! And how do you know I don't have something wrong with me the requires me to sit? I don't, but you don't know that you judgy prick!
Now, you may say Carolyn, calm down, don't let them bother you, you know what you did, so who cares what they think? Well I don't want to calm down! Maybe if we could is some way point out the people who don't want seats, like make them wear a sign or something, that would be good.
The other fine line that I have had issues with the streetcar and the seat offering is how do you tell if they are elderly? Men aren't so difficult to spot, but women can be a little bit trickier. Sometimes you think should I offer them my seat? She looks like she is late 60's, but maybe not? I've seen some rough looking forty year old's! For men it's easy, they can just pretend they are chivalrous. But what is the solution for women? And what about pregnant woman? Sometimes you just can't tell! I think we need to make them wear signs as well. Let's eliminate all of the guess work, and that way we can judge those who should be judged. And you know who I am talking about, those jerks who sit in the 4 seats at the front, you know the seats that have the little signs above them saying who they are reserved for. Let's all judge them together!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Fun With Words

Do you have those words that you just love to say? There are sometimes are no explanations for the love, it just happens. I have lots of those words in my life, splendid- it just sounds like it means! Magnificent- with the emphasis on Mag, it's exciting to say!

How about words that sound dirty but aren't? Magma, that's one. Coccyx, that one still makes me giggle when my trainer says it, I know I'm like an eleven year old girl, deal with it. Here's one that's great; uvula! It's the hangyball in the back of your throat, see this is fun and informative! Side note, have you ever seen a uvula pierced? Ew slash ow! How do you even get that pierced without gagging? If you suggested magic, I wouldn't disagree.

Something else I love are ingredients that sound weird. Bulgar- sounds vulgar! Ahhhhh... you were thinking it too! Ghee- whenever I read this word I hear it in my head as if a Mini Me said it. Another one that I love isn't an ingredient but a type of food, baba ganoush. If you ever watched the tv show MXC, you know someone was called that every episode, and it was awesome! My sister and I cheered every time it happened. Sometimes that was the best part of the show.

Right now you may be asking yourself what's Carolyn's favourite word? Well, I will take the suspense away, as I know it must killing you. I would have to say my favourite word just might be... Fork! Say it to yourself, fork. Say it kinda slow. It's like two syllables, but it isn't! Say it again. Fork. Say it five times really fast, fork fork fork fork fork! Great word, right?

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Importance of a Good Handshake

I am a slightly socially awkward person, I admit it. In fact I recently realized I go out of my way to avoid certain situations. If the streetcar looks full, I'll wait for the next one, I want that single seat! If I'm shopping and I see someone from high school, I go down the next aisle, and even consider abandoning my cart to avoid them. Whenever possible I try to get a desk between myself and reps from work so I don't have to hug them. (Don't even get me started on the whole hugging situation!)

The other day I had an important person from one of the companies I work with come into my store to check out their section. They were French, and their company is very prestigious, and I had no desk between me and them. I tried very hard to gauge the situation. I started to go for the handshake, and then decided she was the type to go for a hug. I got ready for a hug, and I went in for it, but she surprised me with the side cheek kiss. I almost recovered without to much of a blunder, and as I pulled away, she went in for the second cheek kiss! I had like 4 feet between us when I realized she was going for that second kiss, so, I had to rush/lean forward and I smushed my cheek against hers, but the damage was done. We were both very aware that I had messed up.

Here's what bothers me about this situation. WTF?!?!? Why can't we handshake??? I want a firm handshake. A handshake can reveal so much about a person! If your hand goes limp, guarantee I am not going to like you! If you shake my hand and then clasp your free hand over mine, odds are you are gonna creep me out, as you feel the need to show your dominance over me, or the exact opposite, I think you are incredible good looking, and I won't let go of your hand, so it is necessary for you to put your free hand on top of mine to pry mine off! If you have a nice firm handshake, I'm probably gonna try and make my handshake slightly more aggressive, but I will like you!

What the flip can you learn about a person from side cheek kisses? Jack all that's what!! What are you hiding for?? Why are you hiding behind an archaic feminine greeting? What is it you don't want me to know??? Congratulations, just by saying hello the wrong way, means I am now suspicious, on edge, and uncomfortable, as I clearly have issues with this form of greeting!

Bottom line is, I am a strong fierce independent woman who doesn't need to side cheek kiss hello. Give me a good firm handshake any day of the week! Fuck the side cheek kiss! It's 2011! Bring it!