A cold cold day

A cold cold day

Saturday, January 1, 2011

sex in Hotels- the 5th one

sex in Hotels

There is no mistaking that familiar sound. It may be in a movie, on TV, your parent's bedroom (although, not mine- my sisters and I came from the stork. End of story!) The moans and groans coming from somewhere other then your bedroom, or car, or public restroom of choice, are unmistakable, and depending on whom you are with, a lot of fun!

Every time I stay in a hotel I am reminded of that Michael J Fox movie (I think Doc Hollywood) where he had those neighbors that did it all the time. Fortunately, I don't think I have ever had that problem, until 2 weekends ago. I spent that weekend in a hotel in ....Vancouver.... with my parents. We were there to watch my sister race in a triathlon. Well, the second night we were there, it was Saturday night/Sunday morning at 3am, when I woke to those familiar noises. Since I was not to sure if I was dreaming or not, I woke myself up fully, and I was right, our hotel neighbors were having headboard banging sex.

Normally, if I were with my sisters, or friends, I would have woken everyone up so we could all have a giggle. But I was with my parents… My Mormon parents in the bed next to me. Awkward!!!!!! When the noises finally stopped I let out a silent sigh of relief, unfortunately for me, (fortunate for them) it started right back up again. What I thought was the finale, was only a brief position change…one of many. –Side note, way to go!!!!- I resorted to turning my I-pod on full, settling into IllScarlett, and chortled myself to sleep. Yes, I said chortled. It is way more fun than plain old laughing!

The whole point to this is that when you think about it, I mean really think about it, we don't know much about the hotel rooms that we stay in. Your neighbors having sex is entertaining, but if you take that thought one step further, how many people have done it in your hotel room?? How clean is your bed? Did they actually change the blankets? How the heck did that mark get on the ceiling- or in my case, dent???

We really don't know much about these rooms. I think hostels have the right idea. Bring your own bed sheet, that way you know exactly what you are getting into-literally! Although I suppose if you want to make your own hotel moans and groans, it may not work that well… It's just that when you think about it, we spend some of our most intimate, vulnerable and relaxing moments in these rooms, and yet we know nothing about them. Perhaps we aren't meant to think things like this. Perhaps we are supposed to just do without thinking. So go ahead, unthink it, if you can!!

Pretentious- my 4th blog- this was in 2008!

Pretentious

Today I am pretentious!!!

You may be asking why, well, I am pretentious for several reasons. I am sitting in a Starbucks- Drinking a specialized- made just for me- coffee (a hot chocolate with a non fat caramel shot- Shut up!!! I know it's not that pretentious, but it looks that way with its deceptively foam-like whip cream and chocolate drizzled perfectly on top!!) and I am writing. I am also on vacation while I am writing this, so I have a pretentious hat trick! I am pretentiously squared! I am the captain of the pretentious squad!!

I suppose my level of pretentiousness it taken down a notch because my hot chocolate is kinda gross, and I do write like a grade five boy; I'm left-handed, I can't help it!! (note: this was hand written while I was away last week!!- editors italicized note!! PRETENTIOUS!!!) But my over priced apple fritter counter acts the above two points.

There really is no reason for this blog. I just decided that since my backpack is resting against the table, giving the air that I do this for a living…. Sorry, cute guys just walked in. I'm pretentious, I can lose my train of thought and write that fact down!!! Oh yeah, backpack, it's facing so no one can see the Scoobie-Doo keychain or my Connect 4 game keychain. I have my cell phone out on the table as though I am expecting an important phone call….. More Cute boys!!!

Anyway, today I am pretentious! I went to the art gallery. True, the main exhibit was about the art of comics, video games, and anime, but I was still in an art gallery! I am writing in a notebook from the one of a kind craft show, pausing every so often to look to the sky for inspiration with the end of my pen in my mouth, sighing dramatically, as though I am struggle for the perfect combination of words.

In fact, I am so pretentious today (sitting in the comfy chair at Starbucks) drinking my specialized drink that I have barely noticed the earring lying on the floor. I'm too pretentious to care!! I'm sitting in a nice warm Starbucks, laughing at all the people walking by in the rain. I know I will have to walk in the rain soon, but right now I am not, and what makes that even more pretentious is that I can leave whenever I want, because I am from Toronto, and I am on vacation- (I thought anyone from Canado, who is from outside Toronto would get a kick out of that!! :o)

I can't stop thinking about that stupid earring!! A pretentious person wouldn't care!! Who cares if it was a gift, or a family heirloom? Okay, I'll make a pretentious compromise, if it is still there when I leave, I'll wrap it in a napkin, and give it to the barista. I'm pretentious, I have a barista!!

I suppose I should write some poetry or something, because as a pretentious person, I realize that's what pretentious people do. In fact I'm so pretentious, I'm going to force you to read some bad poetry..

Umbrellas crashing
Like wakes of a choppy bay
Pitter patter sounds of raindrops
Rolling off my plaid Burberry umbrella
I shake it
Once
Twice
And feel my emotions slip away with each shake

See, pretentious!! :o)

The Squirrel Incident- my third blog

The Squirrel Incident

I have often joked about how I should write a sitcom about my family. I already know I would cast Kelsey Grammer as my father. He would be so perfect. The expressions, the attitude, the hair line… The fact of the matter is, I have a quirky family. It is functionally dysfunctional. We have a golden child, churchgoers, insane animals, cars that never move, and a house that's continually under construction.

With all the mayhem that goes on in my house (did I mention that my father once fixed up one of his cars so well, that he had to drive it home in reverse, on highway???) I think my first episode would be about Squirrel. Squirrel, thankfully, wasn't around long enough to get a name. Squirrel was a part of my life for less then 24 hours, yet he is a perfect example of my house, and my family.

Squirrel and I met one Wednesday evening, when I was home alone. My parents were at church, and my sister was out for dinner with some friends. I was in the basement kitchen making a blue menu hamburger, (with my George Foreman grill) when I suddenly heard a noise. Now I assumed my sister was home, and when I heard another noise, part of me had hoped she had brought a dog home, as I heard scratch click, click, click, scratch on the floor above. I called out to her, and I went up the stairs. As I entered the main hallway, I turned to go up the next flight of stairs, and there he was, just staring at me, daring me to get him. He kinda reminded me of the squirrel in the e-mail with the really big "nuts". Not that he had big ones, (maybe he did, I can't say I noticed) he had that stance, and attitude….

I ran back down the stairs, calling everyone and anyone who would listen from my household. My parents told me to chill, and my sister didn't answer. While I was on the phone, all I could hear were things crashing to the floor, things spilling, and general thumps. I opened all the doors and windows, and after a while I didn't hear from squirrel, so we shut everything back up. (at this point the rest of my family was home.)

I think I need to add a little bit of back story right hear, as it helps to explain what happens next. I am currently sleeping in the living room, as we are having a bit of a mice problem in our house. My bedroom is in the basement, and that is where the mice are. Being a functionally dysfunctional family, we don't want to kill the mice. And since it was winter, we felt bad forcing them outside, where there was a big possibility that they wouldn't survive. So, the mice lived in the basement for the winter. One day I was doing my laundry, and I fell asleep on my duvet, which had no cover on it. I woke up, because I thought I felt something under my face, when I lifted my head, my duvet was moving…. There were fucking mice in my duvet!!! That was when I moved out of the basement, and into the living room to sleep.

Cut back to Squirrel. After the whole kafuffle, I went to bed, and fell into a deep sleep. The next morning, I thought I felt something poke at my leg. I rolled over, and there was Squirrel, taking off down the hallway!!!! Squirrel was in my bed!! I may have slept with Squirrel!!! Once again all of the windows and doors were opened in our house, and I had a very long, hot shower!!! My blankets and sheets were thrown in the wash (twice!), and after a long day, Squirrel was really gone. Our house went back to normal (well as normal as our house can be!!) and squirrel, is nowhere to be found.

That my friends, is episode 1 of the Black Family Household.

Jose- my second blog

Jose

My Car, is in my opinion the best car in the world. It has some special features, tons of action figures, and he has magical powers!!! I know, I know, most cars are she's, like Betty, Sue Ellen, Lady Jane. My Car is definitely a he, and he's gay. He is Fabulous, and self aware! He isn't afraid to stand out in a crowd, and I love him!!

Jose, that's my cars name, is a 2000 sand mecca Protégé, and he has gotten me through so many situations that I probably shouldn't have gotten out of alive!! Crazy snowstorms, torrential downpours, fog, you name it, Jose has gotten me through it alive!!

You may be wondering where his name came from, well, I'll tell you. There is this Mexican restaurant on the Danforth (I know, in the heart of Greek town, I go to a Mexican restaurant!) and there was the best waiter in the world working there. His name is Jose. He always has a smile, remembers everyone's names and drinks, and he has sass! I thought what better way to pay tribute to him then to name my car after him! Now that you have some history about my car, I'll get into what prompted this blog.

Last week, I was visiting my friend in her downtown condo, as I was leaving, I went to Jose, and as I was getting in, I noticed the Ferrari, parked two spots over. It was fire engine red, and in true car standards, beautiful. But I didn't care. My car may have a few dents, it may have a spare tire right now, and there may be a few scratches, but my car can do something that a Ferrari can't do, and that is turn invisible. Yes, I know that sounds bizarre, but ask all the other cars on the road, Jose can magically turn invisible! It's amazing!!! I'll be driving along the road, and suddenly cars are cutting my off, trying to pull into the lane right where I am, they make left hand turns, even though I am driving through the intersection, and they come right up behind me as though they believe they can drive right through my car!!

The problem with the ability that my car has is that it seems to turn it on and off, and I can't control it. The more I try to figure it out, the more I seem to stay invisible!! I have noticed that around full moons, the power seems to be stronger, and it is weather affected, like when it rains, it happens, or when it snows it definitely happens!

I believe that this power is a gift that I have to protect and take care of. You never know when I will be called into action. I kind of envision myself as a modern day Wonder Woman. Granted her invisible transportation could fly, but who's to say my car won't develop that power over time? So, until then, I am content, and privileged, to drive Jose!

The Irony of Ginkgo Biloba- this was my first blog ever written

The Irony of Ginkgo Biloba

I have heard about all the amazing things that Ginkgo Biloba can do for you. So about 2 years ago, I decided that since I was having so many issues with my memory, I should start taking it. I fantasized about remembering where my passport was, remember what that song on the radio was, and remember to do my laundry before I got down to my very last pair of underwear (you know, the underwear that everyone wears while doing their laundry) and having to wear it, holes and all, to work, and then out to dinner after….

The first time I tried to purchase these miracle pills, I forgot. The second time I tried to purchase them, I had written it on a note, and stuck the note in my uniform pocket, confident in my ability that at some point in time, I would reach into my pocket, and grab the note. (an important side note in this story, is that I am a cosmetician at Shoppers Drug Mart, I was only steps away from my dreams coming true 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.) After about two weeks of this, I opted to write it on my hand, surely even if I didn't read my hand, someone else would, they always do!!

About a month later, I was scanning a customer through, and they had it in their basket, and the light bulb went off!! I ran to the healthy living section, Queens "We Are The Champions" playing in my mind, I scanned the vitamins –cod liver oil, zinc, vitamin C, and there it was, Ginkgo Biloba!! I grabbed the second bottle in, and walked triumphantly back to my cosmetic counter, placing the bottle in the drawer, beside my water, so I could purchase it, at the end of my shift.

Three weeks later, I finally remembered to purchase it.

Now, you can imagine the excitement that went through my mind! I was but one sleep away from my dream of almost 3 months, finally surfacing!! When I woke up the next morning, I was late, no time to take the pill, no time to even think of taking the pill! Oh well, I convinced myself I would remember when I got home from work, I would take my first glorious dose of Ginkgo Biloba. Well, that day came and went, as did several others, and I still could not remember to take the stupid pills. Every time I would think about them, I would be somewhere that the pills weren't, you know, at work, in a movie, on stage.

And that's when I got to thinking. How ironic is it that you have to remember to take the Ginkgo Biloba to fix your memory, but can't remember to take to silly pills. It's now 2 years later, and do you think I can remember where I put the stupid bottle???