The Squirrel Incident
I have often joked about how I should write a sitcom about my family. I already know I would cast Kelsey Grammer as my father. He would be so perfect. The expressions, the attitude, the hair line… The fact of the matter is, I have a quirky family. It is functionally dysfunctional. We have a golden child, churchgoers, insane animals, cars that never move, and a house that's continually under construction.
With all the mayhem that goes on in my house (did I mention that my father once fixed up one of his cars so well, that he had to drive it home in reverse, on highway???) I think my first episode would be about Squirrel. Squirrel, thankfully, wasn't around long enough to get a name. Squirrel was a part of my life for less then 24 hours, yet he is a perfect example of my house, and my family.
Squirrel and I met one Wednesday evening, when I was home alone. My parents were at church, and my sister was out for dinner with some friends. I was in the basement kitchen making a blue menu hamburger, (with my George Foreman grill) when I suddenly heard a noise. Now I assumed my sister was home, and when I heard another noise, part of me had hoped she had brought a dog home, as I heard scratch click, click, click, scratch on the floor above. I called out to her, and I went up the stairs. As I entered the main hallway, I turned to go up the next flight of stairs, and there he was, just staring at me, daring me to get him. He kinda reminded me of the squirrel in the e-mail with the really big "nuts". Not that he had big ones, (maybe he did, I can't say I noticed) he had that stance, and attitude….
I ran back down the stairs, calling everyone and anyone who would listen from my household. My parents told me to chill, and my sister didn't answer. While I was on the phone, all I could hear were things crashing to the floor, things spilling, and general thumps. I opened all the doors and windows, and after a while I didn't hear from squirrel, so we shut everything back up. (at this point the rest of my family was home.)
I think I need to add a little bit of back story right hear, as it helps to explain what happens next. I am currently sleeping in the living room, as we are having a bit of a mice problem in our house. My bedroom is in the basement, and that is where the mice are. Being a functionally dysfunctional family, we don't want to kill the mice. And since it was winter, we felt bad forcing them outside, where there was a big possibility that they wouldn't survive. So, the mice lived in the basement for the winter. One day I was doing my laundry, and I fell asleep on my duvet, which had no cover on it. I woke up, because I thought I felt something under my face, when I lifted my head, my duvet was moving…. There were fucking mice in my duvet!!! That was when I moved out of the basement, and into the living room to sleep.
Cut back to Squirrel. After the whole kafuffle, I went to bed, and fell into a deep sleep. The next morning, I thought I felt something poke at my leg. I rolled over, and there was Squirrel, taking off down the hallway!!!! Squirrel was in my bed!! I may have slept with Squirrel!!! Once again all of the windows and doors were opened in our house, and I had a very long, hot shower!!! My blankets and sheets were thrown in the wash (twice!), and after a long day, Squirrel was really gone. Our house went back to normal (well as normal as our house can be!!) and squirrel, is nowhere to be found.
That my friends, is episode 1 of the Black Family Household.
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